After lengthy negotiations with the FA powers that be, I have been assured that this year’s transfer window will be closed smoothly by an old lady wearing mittens.
Premier League president Gary Hoffman even took the time, despite his busy schedule, to oil the transfer window pulleys to ensure, as he put it, “a smooth closing. and barely audible “.
As a responsible media organization, we have the interests of our older readers at heart.
The last thing we need is the deafening crash of hastily secured transfer windows, spooking the bejesus of late night PAOs.
Given the unseemly haste that football authorities have shown in recent years when they “slammed” the transfer gate shut, it is more luck than intention that the footballers were not injured in scratching out the window at the last minute.
Without our intervention, I feel like it was only a matter of time before the shin of a high-level transfer was caught out of the window falling like a guillotine around 11pm.
Liverpool’s Sadio Mane got a chance to escape when, while being coaxed through the transfer window by Jurgen Klopp in 2017, he closed with such speed that the forward’s long locks were taken in the windings of the belt imprisoning a distraught Mane. The team’s physiotherapist was forced to release the player with a nail clipper. The slamming transfer window explains not only Sadio’s reluctance to leave Liverpool, but also his hairstyle.
Fortunately, sanity has been restored this season.
On the home front, this aging columnist has taken on the equally onerous task of paying his pension.
I am happy to say that the retirement advisor listened carefully to my financial situation and told me that she would send me some documentation to help inform my retirement plans. A Dignitas brochure has arrived today.
As its name suggests, the Swiss suicide company offers a dignified outcome. Alas, even that is beyond my financial reach. Are they making an Indignitas? A mallet on the back of your head before being pushed into a channel and all for less than five cents? I’ll check it out and get back to you …