How to solve a problem like Dorinda? How do you extract bourbon from a bung? How to solve a problem like Dorinnnnn-Daaaaaa? How do you hold a temper in your hand?
Mx. Medley repeatedly showed this episode exactly why she was fired — sorry, put on hiatus — and it wasn’t pretty. The screams, the explosions, the meanness. It’s a shame because when Dorinda is having fun, she’s a delight, but she has more tricks than someone playing Uno with a series of Draw Two cards. And it’s her house, so if any of the women run into her, she makes them feel even worse, like they’re disrespecting the most disrespectful person there.
The morning was bad enough when Brandi had to text Eva and say, “I’m sorry I called your husband mangina”, a text I know she’s sent before and will send. probably again before the second Trump administration. On top of that, everyone had to put on their best ’80s workout gear for Dorobics, Dorinda’s patented workout regimen that won’t give you a flat stomach but will give you diarrhea. When all the ladies were putting on their neon leotards and leggings, I thought, “That’s a Bunco party waiting.” This is why housewives should never wear costumes because they end up yelling at each other looking like a Lisa Frank file with an attitude problem.
I was right when Dorinda lay on top of Tamra in the kitchen to eat upstairs even though everyone else did and even Marco the sexy butler brought them breakfast to their room. (Brandi hopes to eat something else in her room, but that doesn’t happen until after dinner.) Tamra says she understands, but Dorinda forces her to read the plate with the rules. Tamra still says she understands and Dorinda tells her, “I don’t know what’s going on in your houses, but at my house we don’t eat upstairs”, as Tamra lives in a dumpster behind Home Goods in Long Beach.
It almost seems like Tamra gets off easy (no one gets off easier than Brandi – hey yo!), but when she starts crying, Dorinda walks in and tells her that it’s okay, that she should get over it. Well, why is she screaming about it and can’t she let it go if it’s no big deal? After 20 minutes of raving about the rules, Tamra finally walks into the Bunco Party and yells at her to shut up and cool off in her room. That’s why we don’t wear costumes! The drama was so intense that it drove Eva to eat breakfast of champions: Tito’s vodka and half a bag of Ruffles.
After Phaedra did the long dead Donkey Booty workout and the ladies did their Dorobics – minus Tamra and Vicki, who were sent to their rooms without dinner, don’t drop by, collect $200 and don’t eat the cupcakes that Dorinda herself left on their beds – they all gather in Vicki and Tamra’s bedroom to assess the damage caused by the tsunami of tempting anger that has just covered Bluestone Manor with swear words. Eva gives me the reality of MVP as she tiptoes around the room and says she avoids drama and follows CDC guidelines.
When assessing the situation, Brandi says that Tamra, Vicki, and Dorinda — the most recently “on hiatus” housewives — have some kind of housewife. I don’t know if that’s necessarily true. I think the three of them haven’t had a chance to shake the Housewives Brain Worms off their heads yet, so they’re all a little amped up. But I also think it’s just who Dorinda is. Yeah, it’s made worse by alcohol, but his panic over Tamra happened before anyone had even pooped in the morning. You can’t blame it on alcohol or bossa nova.
When Taylor drags all the women out for a tea party, Tamra brings up the altercation and Dorinda says it’s best not to make a mountain out of a molehill. Um, she’s the queen of Mount Molehill. She will take the title of Supreme Maloof, the leader of the race of moles that live in the mountain, from Adrienne.
That evening there is a ban dinner, which is just a Roaring Twenties party in disguise. I’m sorry, but the Real Housewives Institute Oversight Board banned all flapper-themed costumes in 2019, so Dorinda will have to save that theme straight to the nearest lake or flooded basement (which is definitely the one by Brandy). At least she claims her house was a speakeasy, so that makes a little more sense. She offers women a bourbon tasting which is actually an infomercial for Bluestone Manor Bourbon, so Dorinda managed to out QVC Jill Zarin and Lisa Rinna.
It is at this dinner that we learn that a bunghole is a hole in a barrel. D’s business partner puts something long and hard in this bunghole. He puts it back again and again. He drives it deep. He pushes it hard, and finally, liquid comes out. Oh, it’s not what you think. It’s brown. If ever brown fluid comes out of your penis, immediately call the Sexual Health Clinic and all your old Grindr tricks. The brown liquor immediately puts the heck out of these women, especially after Brandi’s basement floods the burlesque dancer Dorinda hires. What? She couldn’t find a man? Was Bolo busy? Had Ridickulous already booked?
The party is then divided between those who want to undress and those who don’t. Brandi and Tamra get naked and Brandi gives Marco a case for making an OSHA violation when she rips his shirt. I’m not surprised that what’s underneath is white and wavy, like a bunch of meringues molded into the shape of a man. But isn’t that a hostile work environment? Isn’t that what #MeToo was?
Brandi and Tamra want to keep the party going while the other women settle into their pajamas and go to bed. They’re in the kitchen having fun with the burlesque dancer who isn’t sure whether to finish her hot plate and go home or have the threesome of her life. In the living room, Dorinda prepares for her last outburst of the night. This one is at Jill Zarin. Eva does her radio show from home, and Jill wants to be on it so she can QVC the shit off her carpets on a national platform. Eva tries to let her down gently, but Jill doesn’t like to accept no for an answer. She likes to be dropped hard. She likes being a baby let loose on her weak point from the second floor. This is our Jill.
When Dorinda tells her to stop asking, she’s actually right. Jill should leave Eva alone, but Jill is right because it’s Eva’s job to tell her no. Dorinda doesn’t need to be in charge of every moment of every day like she’s a reality TV drill sergeant. But it’s after Jill starts crying about Dorinda upstairs in the confessional that Dorinda gets mean. “That’s where you’re weak,” she told Jill as she walked away. That’s real drunken naughtiness. This is the cause of the break. That’s what turns me away from Bluestone Manor. When I want to side with Victoria Denise Gunvalson Jr. in a fight, you know someone took out the whole pinch of the Cool Ranch Doritos.
After their argument, Jill fell asleep in her Ralph Lauren cashmere pajamas which she mentioned about three times. Did you know they are cashmere? From Ralph Lauren? She got them on special at TJ Maxx. Only $195. Can you believe it? Yes. Jill closed her bedroom door and threw her makeup bag on her messy bed. She dug around to find the bottle of emergency pills she kept there. It clinked in her shaking hands as she played with the childproof cap. She shook a light blue diamond, the Xanax that would send her to sleep. She grabbed the half-full Diet Coke she kept on the bedside table – against the rules – and as she brought it to her lips, she felt something soft and light around her neck. The next moment it was tightened, a silk scarf she planned to wear the following night.
She couldn’t see the woman standing behind her, with her knee in Jill’s back as she pulled harder and harder. Jill was writhing. She dropped the Diet Coke and tried to get her fingers under the scarf, but it was already too tight. When Jill finally stopped moving with a jerk, the woman let her lifeless body fall to the ground. It didn’t even make a sound. Then the woman took two steps back and blended into the shadows against the wall, almost disappearing entirely, as if blending into the darkness itself.