Whatever your pandemic experience, it’s safe to say you didn’t see it coming. Honestly, apart from a privileged few (e.g. Bill Gates, who in a 2015 TED Talk, said many governments are woefully unprepared for a virus sweeping the world), most of us are too wrapped up in our day-to-day responsibilities to think about potential doomsday scenarios. But another reason the coronavirus has so totally and utterly blinded a lot of us is that it happened in 2020. That shit wasn’t supposed to happen back then! COVID-19 showing up and canceling 2020 seemed a lot more important than it would be in any other year.
I mean, come on! Astrologers and numerologists have basically hinted that everything is amazing in 2020! Dreams were meant to come true! Resolutions were meant to be respected! Have I lost some of you with “astrologers and numerologists”? Yes, I thought, but listen to me.
According to many numerologists, the number twenty suggests a transformation and an improvement over the above. This follows, because 2020 was an election year. And with the conclusion of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change that we have ten years to halve carbon emissions to avoid irreparable climate catastrophe, the 2020 elections were all the more important. Honestly, if we does not have buy into the 2020 of it all on the sole basis of this, we would have been fools.
But there is more. Numerologists believing that the number twenty leads to a happy evolution which could involve spiritual awakening? Sign me up. Do astrologers suggest removing distractions and getting more involved in the community? Cool, I’ll do a better job of folding the sweaters back after trying them on in Free People, instead of leaving them in small piles for other customers to search.
Intuitive consultant Mary Shannon broke down the universal year number (4, because 2 + 0 + 2 + 0 = 4) in an interview with Refinery29 with the following: “4 years tend to be relatively stable and have a cozy and comfortable atmosphere. for them. They are characterized as a post-growth reflection time which typically occurs with a 3 year (aka 2019). Well you better believe I’m wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt with a zit patch on my face and a blanket around my manicured toes because I was going to be comfortable AF in 2020. In Done, 2020, what else did you have in store ?! I was ready to handle it!
But even if I hadn’t been lulled into a false sense of security through numerology, based on everything we’ve been told until 2020, I still would have thought it would be a special year of all good manners. Like, I rightfully thought my 2020 was going to be me standing with my bare ass in the streets of New York like Alanis Morissette in her “Thank U” music video and expressing my gratitude for all the good the year has brought me: ” Thank you, Brooklyn / Thank you, Platoon / Thank you, thank you, Sweeeeeeetgreeeeeen. I mean, I had the whole acceptance speech ready to deliver on December 31, 2020, to my boyfriend, as our muted TV showed Ciara doing the “1, 2 Step” on “Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin ‘Eve with Ryan Seacrest 2021.” Clearly, I was naive.
It was a bit like 2015 when Eyebrow Zaddy aka Michael Keaton won the Golden Globe for “Birdman” and was the presumed favorite to win the Oscar for Best Actor. Instead, Eddie Redmayne’s name was called out and the camera caught Keaton packing his acceptance speech into his tuxedo jacket. The world has been stripped of its words and I think about it often. Probably no more than Keaton, but I’m sure he’s right behind. Anyway, I know I didn’t achieve any of the things I had planned for 2020 – so many of us didn’t – but I have the whole speech written down and put away somewhere. to keep it, so it seems like a waste no to — oh, are you sure you don’t mind hearing it? Only if it is not too imposed. Oh, damn, I’m not prepared. [Immediately pulls out folded-up piece of paper from slit in bra where a gel insert should be.] Thank you very much dear reader! OK there you go.
Phoebe Robinson’s “2020 Was My Year” Acceptance Speech
Wait! Let me set the scene first: I’m amazed to hear my name. After looking around (there’s no one else in the living room besides my boyfriend, British Baekoff, but damn if I’m not going to milk this moment), I say “Oh, my God”, then I kiss BB I get up from my West Elm Sofa. I wear an Ankara headband, period stained pajamas and underwear because why stop doing the things that helped me get there? I walk over to the TV, kissing an imaginary Kerry Washington as she presents me with an imaginary award. I look at him, inhaling deeply.
” I can not believe it. Oh my God. It is also. . . I mean, who would have imagined that a little black girl from Cleveland, Ohio would stand in front of you. Wow. Of course I want to thank my fellow candidates: resetting passwords because I forgot the old ones, my determination to eat cheese in public despite my lactose intolerance, my hairstyle that I managed not to sweat after the bone- Bones with Bae, Meryl Streep (cause when is she not nominated) and impostor syndrome. All your performances this year have been impeccable. [Cut to meme of Meryl Streep from 2015 Oscars clapping and pointing at stage from her seat.]
“My 2020 wouldn’t have been what it was without everyone who attended the last dates of my ‘Sorry, Harriet Tubman’ stand-up tour, especially those who mistook me for literally any other black woman. who works in Hollywood. May be Alfre Woodard has a tight hour-long set on her boyfriend’s uncircumcised penis and lives in New York City, but do you think she drank an Ensure to get out of bed and perform in front of 150 people having a snack? chicken wings in Sacramento? Still, this was my first solo tour, so despite the occasional audience confusion over who I was, I will cherish it forever.
“I also want to thank Duolingo, because without you I wouldn’t be able to butcher Spanish by calling Oaxaca Taqueria to place a dinner order -” Meh gustaría TRES carNAY Aah Sah Dahs, please”—Then lie and say my name is Karen.
“Mother Naytch, I used to treat you like you weren’t much more than I feel while waiting outside for the Lyft I ride. absoutely I should have called fifteen minutes earlier, but since I didn’t, I will totally blame the driver for not having “Tokyo Drift” in a school zone so I can get to work on time. I was wrong and thank you for opening my eyes. This year, I did five hikes, that is to say, waddling melodramatically on autumn leaves. And I did it all wearing a fringed fanny pack, booty shorts, Target tank top, and Sorel hiking boots, a look I call Tomb Raider Silicone Free Meets Shopbop Fashion Week.
“Many thanks to Aldo’s jewelry line, because I was able to trick a lot of people into thinking I was iced in diamonds when I was at room temperature in cubic zirconia.