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Growing up as a boxing fan in a middle class household, I never imagined that one day we could afford front row seats in the biggest fights in the world. But nowadays everyone can, thanks to commercial air transport.
According to a recent report, the Federal Aviation Administration recorded 3,400 reports of unruly passengers this year. Most people attribute the peak in smack downs to the increase in mask police and the residual rage from a year of lockdown.
Regardless of how we got here, the fact remains that there have been so many fights on planes this summer, Brad Pitt and Ed Norton could make a sequel called “FLIGHT Club”. But I can’t elaborate further because everyone knows that the first rule of Flight Club is to NOT TALK about Flight Club, you save it on your iPhone and post it on social media.
With so many flying fists, I’ve decided to put together a list of ways to make sure your next nonstop trip doesn’t turn into a “connecting” flight. Keep in mind this is for people who travel COMMERCIAL, so if you’re a Democrat from Texas stop reading now.
AIRCRAFT TAKEN ON PASSENGER VIDEO SHOCKS, ALLEGED RACIAL INJURIES USED
1. Observe the carry-on baggage rule
We all boarded a plane that can only accommodate 10 rows of passengers, but has already filled 18 rows of overhead storage bins. I like to avoid baggage fees as much as the guy next door, but trust me, the $ 35 visa fee doesn’t hurt half as much as the rotunda up to my neck.
If you don’t believe me, ask the passengers on a recent Frontier Airlines flight who engaged in such a savage storage brawl that police rated the violence as NINE on a “One to a Real Housewives Reunion” scale. .
Underserved flight crews are too busy seating people and their emotional support ferrets to count your bags, so we’re counting on you. Remember, “one carry-on and one personal item” doesn’t mean two rolling suitcases, a laptop and a Metro News shopping bag.
VIDEO OF AN AMERICAN AIRLINES AGENT PRIMING A PASSENGER FOR A LAYER INSULT GOES VIRAL: “I SUGGEST THE SPIRIT”
I know your smartphone has been calibrated to make you feel like the most important person in the world, but everyone behind you has a phone too. And they’re texting raging about you while the flight attendant checks their luggage.
2. Dress for the flight you want.
When I was a child, there was a nobility to steal. People put on nice clothes and take pride in the image they project. I’m not saying we wore tuxedos, but neither of us looked in our underwear for a Motley Crue gig. I flew Spirit Air last month and the first guy I saw was so disheveled I almost put a dollar in his coffee cup. But enough about the pilot.
MOTHER OF 6 JETBLUE FLIGHTS BEGINNERS BECAUSE THE CHILD WOULD NOT KEEP THE MASK, SAYS THE POLICY “NOT REALIZABLE”
Kidding aside, I understand we can’t all fly first class, but we have to have some class. Hopefully, this shared commitment to dignity instills a sense of self-awareness in the flip flops and tank tops crowd. Of course, it might not help your pilot find a gate faster when you land at O’Hare, but if it keeps A GUY from cutting their nails while you wait, it was worth it.
3. Put on your mask and shut up
Yes, this is a ridiculous rule. We haven’t seen any data indicating that airplanes are a major source of viral spread. But the chaos of the masks is a major source of viral videos, so fire the flight attendants who were forced to watch the lobby.
I know we’ve all dealt with this arrogant crew member, but they deal with hundreds of impossible passengers every day. As frustrated as you are that you are not being treated like royalty after paying $ 76 to fly to Rochester, you can take comfort in knowing that the person who disrespects the Crown will always be on the wrong side of the offer and demanding.
4. In Meatloaf’s words, let me sleep on it
If the person next to you is napping when the drinks cart stops, do not wake them up. I know you’re just trying to be considerate, so consider this: Lack of sleep causes strokes and heart attacks. Last time around, I checked that no one was being treated at the Mayo Clinic for ginger ale deficiency.
MOTHER WITH AUTISTIC TEEN SON LAUNCHES FLIGHT FOR MASK COMPLIANCE ISSUES
Yes, the airlines have gotten stingy with freebies, but trust me, your seat mate can survive without the rations. Just because your ticket says “Portland” doesn’t mean you are on the Oregon Trail.
5. Be nice when you lie down
Always consider the height of the person behind you before reclining your seat. I know you just want to be comfortable but so do the 6ft 6in guy with the neck tattoo. He may not be able to afford “extra legroom”, but it won’t cost him anything to use YOU as a flotation device if the flight becomes a cruise.
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6. Give peace a chance
I was boarding a flight back from LA last week and as I waited for the aisle to clear the guy behind me sighed so hard he could have woken up the control room from the Chris Cuomo Show. As I started screaming obscenities in my head I realized he wasn’t so rude he was miserable because let’s face it, we are ALL miserable flight trainers these days.
There is so much outrage that it’s more like “assistant coach”. The fees are higher, the legroom is smaller, and there are so many boarding classes it feels like you’re trying to remember where you parked in Disney World.
“I think we’re in Pluto Green, honey, but I don’t know which letter of the alphabet.”
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I am Sicilian. I was brought up not to take anything from anyone. But everyone is so nervous these days that pride often leads to boxing. So the next time someone speaks on their way to the Magic Kingdom, do like Princess Elsa and “Let It Go”.
I could do it for days but we have arrived at our destination. I’m not saying it was a flawless flight, but if you take my advice your next trip will be an unbeatable experience.
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