Note: the following is FAKE NEWS. It’s a satire, a parody. No one over the age of 12 will be allowed to read this column unless accompanied by someone with a sense of humor. Any resemblance to a current politician is purely intentional.
Americans are ecstatic at the accidental discovery of what appears to be a cure for the wave of disease that has swept the country. Chris P. Bacon, a man from Florida, was doing his biannual car wash, and when he opened the glovebox he knocked over an abundance of long-forgotten valuables.
“I couldn’t believe it,” he said. “A Baby Ruth had melted all over my flashlight, giving it a delicious chocolate-caramel coating.” He added: “And that’s not all. I needed these nail clippers, my wife will vouch for it. But the biggest find was the mints. Of course, the pack had been opened, but they never spoil.
Bacon, who has said he’s been feeling bad the past few days, put one in his mouth and immediately felt relief and a cool freshness. “Maybe it was spearmint or peppermint. The best I can remember is two. Two. Two mints in one.
After waking up with new energy the next morning, he shared his findings with his cousin, Dr Willie Tickel. “He’s just a backing vocalist,” Bacon said, “but he’s watched Grey’s Anatomy a lot so he understands all the medical jargon on TV.”
Dr Tickel immediately conducted a clinical trial, having two sick friends and a pet ingest one of the vintage mint lozenges, and the results were conclusive. All were virus free. That seemed like solid evidence to provide to the CDC, WHO, FDA, and SEC (right before the Ole Miss-Bama game).
News of the breakthrough quickly spread through trusted medical institutions like Facebook, Instagram and talk radio. Retailers have been inundated with concerns about a potential shortage of breath mint, but customers can now breathe easily, with a hint of wintergreen. “These mints have been collecting dust for 18 months,” said Cash Onley, owner of the Slim Jims’ n More convenience store chain. “No one has been worried about his mouth since he started wearing face masks, so we haven’t sold a single package so far.”
While early results have been promising, infectious disease specialist Dr Anthony Ouchie advises caution. “Breath mints could curb the spread of the virus,” he said. “But for long term protection, I highly recommend the daily use of dental floss.”
Dr Ouchie’s advice drew immediate criticism from powerful members of Congress. South Carolina Senator Whimsey Graham was appalled. “It’s one thing to demand breath mints, which I really like, especially the classic fruit flavors. But dental floss? Only dentists do it. This is just another example of the cruelty of Dr. Ouchie’s government.
The breath mint recommendation also raised red flags among many citizens, who worked from home during the pandemic. “I’m not ready to go back to work,” said Sammy Smores, accountant for an illegal gambling network. “I still have concerns about potential infections and colleagues who will choose to chew gum, gargle with mouthwash, or take horse dewormer pills. Also, I haven’t finished building my patio, which is difficult to do from the office.
At the highest levels of government, both a former president and the current president reacted quickly. The former president was quick to take credit for the discovery of breath mint. “I’ve been recommending breath mints from the start, but the fake media will tell you I said bleach.”
The current president has urged Americans to take the mint train before they have to “lean over my checkered apron.” – Come on, man, he said. “If I have to, I’ll get tough. You don’t want that. Listen … I can squint, frown, I can even make awkward whispers. But I’m the commander of the chiefs, you know? Don’t make me come to your place, open my mouth and do it myself, cause I’m going, man, try me. He walked away without answering any questions.
Meanwhile, Mr. Bacon, the Florida man whose car cleaning chore has resulted in the mint hubbub, is basking in the spotlight. “Hey, I’m not a hero,” he told the National Enquirer. “I’m just an ordinary guy who found a treasure hidden in my glove compartment, with four combs, honey nut cheerios, the keys to my first wife’s delivery, those ketchup packets that I always forget.” and my vaccination card. Which, by the way, I plan to bring to Krispy Kreme to cash in my free donut.
Note: As a friendly reminder, the previous column contains 100% FAKE NEWS. It is simply satire, a parody of real events. The scary thing is that it’s hard to tell the difference these days.
David Carroll is a Chattanooga TV news anchor and radio host, and is online at ChattanoogaRadioTV.com. His new book is “Hello Chattanooga: Famous People Who Have Visit The Tennessee Valley”. You can contact him at 900 Whitehall Road, Chattanooga, TN 37405, or [email protected]